


The Reason I Wanted To Die

by dracoon



Category: Psychopath Diary (TV)
Genre: Gen, Multi, also this is a songfic!, depersonalisation tw, depression tw, stupid bitch disease strikes again, suicide ideation tw, will I stop torturing Inwoo? Unlikely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24472177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracoon/pseuds/dracoon
Summary: Song here!Inwoo has a breakdown and tries to kill himself, listing all the reasons he should just disappear.Plenty of depersonalisation or suicidal ideation ahead, it's a wild ride for our psychotic serial killer.
Relationships: Seo Inwoo/Yook Dongshik, Seo Inwoo/Yook Dongshik/Shim Bokyung
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	The Reason I Wanted To Die

He couldn't remember how long he'd been running on his maimed leg, only that he couldn't feel it anymore. 

The collar he wore stung, and he pulled his turtleneck sweater higher to cover it, sinking to a seat near the bridge. It was a steep drop down- Inwoo could calculate the impact of the water against his flesh, and how quickly water would fill his lungs, allowing him release from the mortal coil. 

The cars passed across him, uncaring of his plight. It was a crowded bridge after all. He couldn't expect or care enough for anyone to stop for him. Pulling himself to stand once again over the rails, he looked out towards the horizon. The sun was starting to set again, and it heralded the end of another day. How many days, months even, had he been trapped in house arrest? The days were already blurring together: if anyone asked him what he'd did just the day before, he doubted himself to even give a coherent answer. 

_End it all_ , whispered the voice at the back of his mind. Inwoo glanced down at his sneakers, realising that the laces on his left shoe had become untied in his panicked escape. He fumbled with them for a few moments, the sinking recognition of being unable to even tie his shoelaces properly niggling at the back of his mind when he eventually gave up and leant over the railing. He didn't need them when he eventually flipped over, anyway. It was pointless fixating about such matters. 

From the get-go, he'd knew he'd been a failure. He couldn't understand people, even as they'd been patient and kind with him. Everything he did culminated into hurt, and he couldn't hold onto anything meaningful for a relationship. It was safer and better for everyone that he closed the chapter of his life on his own terms. 

Every insult used on him felt fresh in his mind. They were right that he was unfeeling and coldhearted: perhaps because he'd never been given the warmth of someone else. He'd had to deal with every breakdown, every disaster alone, and pushed away every well-meaning person that'd even tried to get close. People often neglected that he had needs too. He wanted to fit in, for someone to hold him in their arms and tell him all was well. After his mother'd passed, nobody was left to give him such solace. 

Maybe he just took living far too seriously. His knuckles tightened against the bars, remembering the only person in recent times that'd genuinely smiled at him. Yook Dongshik. Shim Bokyung. They'd been living with him, and they celebrated his progress every step of the way. Maybe they were just waiting for an opportunity to get rid of him when he'd finally let his guard down. Dongshik's gentle laugh as he punched his shoulder to call him "hyung". Bokyung smirking whenever she lightly ribbed him for trying to kill her. 

They were too loud, echoing through his mind. Even to the end, he still needed someone with him after all. He couldn't be the island he craved to become. He slid down from his perch, hugging his knees to himself tightly as the rest of the fight was taken out of him. What kind of failed predator couldn't even kill themselves? An unhinged laugh, mired in grief of what he'd lost escaped him. Even to the end, he was just the same cowardly child who'd never been allowed a chance to grow up. 

_Inwoo-sshi! Inwoo-sshi! It's dangerous, come here! No, we'll come to you, ok? Just stay there!_

He lifted his head at the familiar voices, before tucking his head back in between the space he made with his arms around his knees. It couldn't have been the people he thought would come for him- but he was interrupted by someone throwing their arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. 

The touch made him immediately stiffen, the collar sparking slightly at the spike of emotion he suddenly felt. He didn't even dare look up, knowing for certain whose face he'd be met with. "You're ok...you're ok..." Dongshik repeated over and over, kneeling down while he continued to hug- had he been crying?

Someone, crying because he could've died? He slowly glanced over towards Dongshik sobbing into his shoulder, blinking slowly as he felt someone else barrel into him, taking the air out of him. Bokyung grabbed him, prying Dongshik off him to shake him by the collar: she'd also been crying, and screamed into his face about how reckless he was being. "Was it because of me?" she cried out, sounding more exhausted than he'd ever heard her, "Why? Why would you?" 

All this was too difficult to process. Inwoo wanted to loll his head back and pass out, the collar's sparking starting to burn against his neck at the warmth he'd suddenly felt. Was this...hope? He didn't dare to dream that someone else would ever put that feeling back into him. As Dongshik and Bokyung pulled him into a group hug while they bawled, he felt his shaky hands reach out towards them, wrapping around each of their backs as his own vision began to blur with his own tears. 

Maybe...life was worth living after all, if they were with him. 

There were people who actually cared. 


End file.
